


giving up

by peachsneakers



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, suicidal deceit | janus sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27953930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachsneakers/pseuds/peachsneakers
Summary: Janus isdone.With everything.The others don't see it that way.
Comments: 33
Kudos: 137





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> song lyrics are from linkin park "given up"

_I hyperventilate_   
_Looking for help somehow somewhere_   
_And no one cares_   
_I'm my own worst enemy_   
_I've given up_

Janus sinks to the floor, hands knotting in his hair as he tries desperately to breathe. If he can't breathe, then he's having a panic attack, and that might summon Vir- _Anxiety_ , and that's the last thing on his mind. Anxiety won't tap out a rhythm for him to concentrate on, won't kneel by his side and help his chest to loosen, won't whisper soothing comforts in his ear. He lost that right a long time ago. When Vir- when Anxiety _left_.

When everything went wrong.

It doesn't matter anymore. Calm pools in his stomach, a deadly sense of certainty, as he rises to his feet, unsteady but still standing. He doesn't have much left to do now. He just has to finish the letters, and then he can go. Then he can rest. He can fulfill his purpose from the subconscious just as easily as here. But at least in the subconscious, his personality will fray away, will disappear like chalk under a dusty eraser. No more Janus. No more _Deceit_. Just the base sense of self preservation, just what Thomas _needs_. 

So what if he's ducking out? Remus might care, but he can't help that. He can't do this anymore. He can't take the accusations, the insults (always directed at the traits that make him so _different_ , always pointed toward the things about himself he likes the _least_ ), the pointed fingers, the sly whispers. The constant needling at his purpose, day in and day out, the insinuations that he doesn't want what's best for Thomas, just like everyone else. Fuck it. Exit stage left. He's _done_.

He sits down at his desk, staring blankly down at the half-finished paper. Where was he? Oh, right. Anxiety. Is that why he panicked? Can he not say what he means to say and be done with it? There are tear stains on the paper. Janus hates that, but not enough to start over on a fresh sheet. He's not sure he's capable of that right now.

_I'm sorry. I know how inadequate those words are, yet I'm afraid I possess no other. I was wrong. You...you never belonged with us. With me, I should say. I'm glad that you've found your place, Anxiety, and I mean that with my entire heart._

_Sincerely,_

_~~Janus~~ Deceit_

He scoffs, looking down at the page. It's nothing. It _means_ nothing. Full of nonsense and trite words about apologies. As if he even has a _right_ to apologize to Virg- Anxiety. He knows he doesn't, yet he hopes that perhaps while Anxiety still remembers him, he'll forgive him the conceit. Oh, he knows that Anxiety won't forgive _him_. He doesn't deserve forgiveness. But maybe... He bites his lip, harsh and unyielding. It doesn't matter. He's not done.

The letter to Remus is perhaps the hardest. No, he _knows_ it's the hardest. Tears blotch this paper, too, running the ink in some places. He doesn't start over on this one, either. He'll never get through it if he does.

_I'm so, so sorry. You deserve so much better than a lifetime with me, in the dark. I hope- I_ pray _\- that the others see your untapped potential and don't leave you alone, like I am. I'm selfish, I admit it. You deserve better than that. God, I hope you get it._

He goes on, meandering from point to point, taking up front and back of the page. It is, by far, the longest he's written. Perhaps that's for the best.

Each envelope is addressed in his most elegant calligraphy. He uses their names, apart from Anxiety's. He doesn't feel he has the right to use his anymore. He puts his hat back on, settling it over sweaty, rumpled hair, as he stands up, gathering the stack of letters in one hand. It's nearly four in the morning. He'll just slip one under each door and be done with it. He takes a last look around his room and sighs. He's crying again, but he barely feels the tears blurring his vision and slaking down raw, reddened cheeks.

No one else stirs as he does his rounds, as quietly as he dares. The door to the subconscious is locked, but he's always held a key.

Swallowing hard, Janus unlocks the door and steps into the subconscious.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song lyrics are from starset "my demons"

_I cannot stop this sickness taking over_   
_It seeks control and drags me into nowhere_   
_I need your help, I can't fight this forever_   
_I know you're watching_   
_I can feel you out there_

Something was wrong.

Remus jerks awake from his uneasy doze when he hears something slipped under his door. Frowning, he squints at the floor. It looks like an envelope.

At first, he wonders if it's his brother being a jerk, or Morality up late and feeling guilty. He's caught Patton lurking around his door lately, and it makes him angry in a way he can't fully comprehend.

Then he rolls out of bed (hitting the floor with a thump), and gets a closer look. His eyes widen. That's _Janus's_ handwriting. 

Suddenly wide awake, he snatches up the envelope and plucks free its contents, a folded sheet of paper. It's liberally blotched with tear stains and that only makes his alarm grow.

_Dear Remus,_ he reads.

_I thought I would be able to do this without crying. Silly me, huh? I'm sorry. I want you to know that, first and foremost. I have been a terrible friend to you. I have kept you trapped in the dark when all you wanted to do was flourish. I haven't facilitated a conversation, an understanding, between you and your brother like I should have. I haven't... well, there are a lot of things I haven't done that I should have, aren't there? And so many things that I did and shouldn't have._

_Perhaps this is one of them. But I don't think it is. I think it's exactly what needs to happen. It should have happened a long time ago. I guess I'm just stubborn like that. I learned it from the best._

_I'm so, so sorry. You deserve so much better than a lifetime with me, in the dark. I hope- I_ pray _\- that the others see your untapped potential and don't leave you alone, like I am. I'm selfish, I admit it. You deserve better than that. God, I hope you get it._

_Please don't feel guilty. This isn't your fault. This is mine. I'm not good for Thomas, and I recognize that now. I'm just sorry it's taken me so long to understand what the others have known all along. Once I'm gone, Thomas will be better off._

_I suppose I'm putting it off at this point, rambling on and on. I guess I'm just a procrastinator at heart. But the subconscious is calling my name and it's past time I answered._

_You are worth so much more than you will ever know. Please remember that. Thomas needs you._

_All my love,_

_Janus_

Remus makes a wet, wounded sound, clutching the letter to his chest. It has inexplicably acquired a few extra tear stains and he scrambles to his feet, banging his door as he clatters outside, not caring that he's in his pajamas. The pajamas Janus gifted him.

"Janus?" He shouts, slamming through Janus's door. Empty. Not a soul meets his desperate gaze as he spins around, taking in every detail.

"Janus!" He shouts louder, not caring who he wakes up as he runs down the hallway. Virgil's door clicks open and he stands swaying in the doorway, his foot nearly planted on a very similar envelope.

"Remus, it's bedtime," Virgil begins in an irritated voice.

"Shut up and read the letter you're nearly standing on," Remus snaps, his voice wobbly. Virgil opens his mouth to rebut, pauses, stares down at the envelope, looks back at Remus, then stoops to pick it up.

"If this is one of Deceit's tricks," he warns unsteadily. Remus rocks back and forth on his feet, watching Virgil's face drain of color the further he reads.

"Oh, shit," VIrgil weakly says.

"We gotta find him," Remus pants. "Before-"

_Before he's gone. Before Thomas's mind erases him. Before he ducks out for good. Before-_

There's no time to find Thomas this time. No time to wake the others, if they've somehow slept through Remus's hallway rampage. He pelts down the stairs, aiming for the subconscious. To his surprise and relief, he can hear Virgil right behind him.

The door is unlocked. Even from here, Remus can see the padlock dangling. He wails, propelling himself faster, cursing his bare feet as his toenails catch in the carpet and nearly send him tumbling. He almost slams into the door, bending a fingernail all the way back as he scrabbles at the knob, yanking it open.

"Janus!" He shouts into the inky depths. "Janus, where are you?!"

"Remus?" comes a weak, startled response. When he squints, he can see Janus turn, staring back at him. "Go back, Remus," Janus orders. His voice is thick with unshed tears.

"Not without you," Remus retorts, stubborn, ready to plunge into the darkness of the subconscious himself, to hell with the consequences. It's not like Thomas really needs _him_ , no matter what Janus said in his letter.

"De- Janus," Virgil says, and Janus jumps, coming a little bit closer, almost involuntarily from the looks of it. He looks desperately afraid and desperately hopeful, all at the same time.

"Please," Virgil says, and his voice cracks. "I- I know we didn't- we weren't kind to each other, but-" He licks dry lips. "I don't- please don't do this, Janus. Please."

"You were right," Janus says softly. He sounds defeated. "You all were right. I'm- I'm not good for Thomas. All I do is force him to lie-"

"Bullshit," Virgil snarls. "I was wrong. I _know_ that isn't all you do. I _know_ how much you care about Thomas. I just- I've just been an asshole. You don't just lie, Janus. You never have." He stops, horror and guilt warring in his expression. "You never have," he repeats, and his voice is shaking.

"But-" Janus stops, his shoulders sagging.

"Please come back," Remus implores. He can't stop trembling, like he's been caught in gale force winds. " _Please_ , Janus." Janus takes a hesitant step forward, then another. He stops, his face a portrait of misery.

"The others-" Janus starts.

"Fuck the others," Remus says promptly. "Who cares what they think?" But he knows the answer. Plainly, _Janus_ does.

"I'll talk to them," Virgil promises. "I- I won't let them treat you that way anymore. Even if-" He swallows hard. "Even if I have to leave again. And- and come back." Janus's mouth hangs open for a moment in shock.

"I couldn't let you do that," Janus objects in a whisper. "You- that's all you ever wanted, you-"

"There are more important things in life," Virgil says, "than being accepted by a group of assholes. And that's what they'll be if they don't stop when they see how much they've been hurting you."

That does it. Remus can see it in Janus's expression, as he straightens and stumbles toward the doorway. Behind him, the subconscious murmurs with a thousand lost voices, and heedless of the risk, Remus leans dangerously far in, grabbing Janus's hand as soon as it becomes available and yanking him free. They collapse on the floor in a heap of limbs as Virgil slams the door shut and re-padlocks it, sinking to the floor next to them. Tears streak his cheeks, messing up his eye shadow.

"Don't ever do that again," Virgil says, his voice very unsteady.

"Did- did you mean it?" Janus whispers. He looks very tired all of a sudden, and a little faded around the edges. Virgil nods, exhausted.

"Yes," he says. "Please- please don't do that again."

"Never, ever," Remus chimes in. His heart feels like it could beat out of his chest and keep going. Janus's arms tighten around Remus's middle.

"I promise," Janus breathes.


End file.
